And that's the end of that...

So, apparently, I'm not getting much in the way of supportive traffic on here, as no one seems interested in commenting on these charming little anecdotes.  So screw it.  I have more entertaining ways to waste my time.  If anyone actually gives a shit about what I've been posting, leave a comment and maybe I'll pick it up again.

Scion Retrospective

So, I've made a number of attempts at running a Scion game, but they never seem to work out right.  However, they occasionally provide me with humorous anecdotes on the scale of the "two dwarfs in lederhosen scaling a cocaine Matterhorn" story.

First, it's important to know the characters involved in this little kerfluffle:
Tuco Jimenez: A Scion of Tezcatlipoca, Tuco is a Mexican drug dealer, human trafficker and all-around douchenozzle.  He engages in fucked up behavior for the pure enjoyment of it, such as starting a gun battle in a Vegas casino by giving one guy and gun and magically convincing him the cops are after him, so that when some cops show up to deal with the riot that Tuco ALSO started, the dupe starts taking potshots at them.  Tuco has an entourage of 5 burly Mexicans who all look vaguely like Danny Trejo in Desperado, as well as a pet jaguar.

Saoirse (SEER-sha): A Scion of the Morrigan, Saoirse was raised by her Irish gunrunner father, and turned out to be rather skilled in that particular trade.  She's also quite talented in the use of said guns and demonstrates that talent frequently, as she inherited her mother's temper along with all that divinity.  Saoirse is accompanied only by Dougal, a sidhe of the Unseelie Court (of which her mother is the Queen) who has been assigned to her as a sort of punishment.  Whether Saoirse or Dougal is being punished, nobody can decide.  Saoirse is unaware of Dougal's primary commandment from the Morrigan, which is to obey any direct command Saoirse (these damn gaelic names give me the gyp, says the man named Liam) gives him.  Dougal, being a smartass and a bastard, does everything in his power to prevent Saoirse from finding out about this little codicil.  Saoirse has been trying to get Dougal into bed for a while now, which Dougal manfully resists, fearing the Morrigan (his queen) would force-feed him his own testicles if he slept with the "princess".

In any event, the Band makes their way to Denver, where there's some sort of titanspawn plot in the hatching (so trite I can't even remember what it was), and check into a local hotel.  To entertain himself, Tuco finds himself five prostitutes and takes them back to his room.  He tells two of them to make out on the bed, sends one into the bathroom so his men have someone to train for their own amusement, and the last two crouch naked on either side of the chair he has appropriated for himself, while his jaguar lounges on top of the armoire.  All the noise this generates so much noise that other folks start to investigate.  The intelligent wolf companion of the Scion of Amaterasu and the intelligent dog companion of the Scion of Hel both show up, drawn by the smell as much as the noise, and are invited to join the two prostitutes on the bed.  Both canines, being intelligent and frustrated, happily take part.  Dougal shows up while Saoirse is away, and joins in as well.  Finally, the Scion of Amaterasu shows up, looks at his wolf (who is also his son, the player being somewhat of a completist where Japanese mythology is concerned) with a look of severe disappointment, and the whole thing breaks up.  Dougal returns to Saoirse's room to take a shower.  The Scion of Amaterasu returns to the interrupted meeting, where Saoirse hears about Dougal's involvement in the affair and storms off.  She finds Dougal still in the shower and he has locked the door.  In a rage, she walks back out into the corridor and starts firing THROUGH THE WALL into the bathroom, causing Dougal to run out of the bathroom, whereupon she chases him out onto the balcony, as he tries to calmly and quickly reason with her silent rage.  Finally, she backs him against the balcony railing, shoots him in the belly, and dumps him over the edge.  Being a supernatural being of more-than-piddling power, a 15-story-drop while gutshot is little more than an inconvenience to Dougal, who is more upset when Saoirse starts shredding his clothing and dumping it out the window, leaving him with a wardrobe consisting entirely of a single bloodstained towel.

This is the kind of shit my players inflict on me, so I must credit them for being such a source of amusement to you all.

Summer Special #1: Cancelled!

Well, sadly, I must cancel the first summer special episode of Holy Shit! Fuck Yeah! Awesome Squad.  However, I shall take this time to introduce a few characters from this hopefully-coming-soon special.

Jay "Le Chevalier Blanc" Simpson - This slick metrosexual gallops out of the darkness, clothed all in white, gleaming katana in one hand, the other firmly grasping the mane of his faithful unicorn steed.  His muscular thighs grip the white-haired flanks of his mount as his battle-cry echoes through the night: "HATERS GONNA HATE!"  A knight in deed as well as name, he roams the earth, seeking chaste maidens to free from bondage, if only to put them in a little bondage of his own.  In battle, he is a storm of steel, his legendary blade cleaving all foes and leaving naught but carnage in his wake, like the deadly tornadoes of his homeland, the desolate wastes called Kan-Sas by mortal men.

Vince - Le Chevalier Blanc's trusty steed, Vince is a foul-mouthed little toad, forced into servitude to this walking hard-on as punishment from the forest gods for violating one too many virgins. 

Zach "Killah McTightpants" Zmijewski - This pasty, methed-out bloodsucker skulks through the shadows of rural America, dealing out justice from the barrel of his trusty Desert Eagle and the tips of his deadly claws.  His bestial ways guide him to his natural prey: trailer park denizens, cheap whores, and overworked computer programmers.  No meth dealer is safe from his wrath, and his twitchy features have been the last sight of many an abusive law officer.  While his missing teeth can be a slight turn-off, his tight, bulging leather pants have delivered on their promise for so many country lasses.

The Holy Shit! Fuck Yeah! Awesome Squad is a loose coalition of mavericks and loose cannons, dedicated to preserving the freedom of oversexed, drugged-out wackos across the globe.  With no definite organization and no official leader, the squad has avoided all attempts at censure from various supernatural agencies, and the individual members are far too bad-ass to be bothered by the pitiful efforts of their lamesauce "peers" to restrain them.

Killah sat in the dingy booth, nursing his coffee.  Big shit was going down, and even he was going to need help with a problem this nasty.  He had put out the word, and hopefully help would be arriving.  The clatter of hooves on asphalt outside drew his eye, and he watched a dashing figure astride a proud unicorn slew to a halt.  The white-coated figure strode into the diner, pausing for a moment to plunder a passing damsel, leaving her in his wake as she waves after him and asks him to call her.  The legendary Le Chevalier Blanc strolled leisurely through the diner, women swooning at his passage.  He slid into the booth opposite Killah.
"What's going down?  Your message made it sound like Armageddon."
"It just might be.  I've been picking up some hints that one of our colleagues has gone rogue."
"Really?  They going straight?"
"No.  I'm picking up a lot of hints that he's gone mastermind on us."
"Fuck.  Who is it?  Chesty Strongbody?  Hawk Masterson?"
"I wish.  Every hint I'm getting points right at the Werebuddha."
"Fuck me running.  We're going need some help.  Werebuddha's one of the scariest bastards out there.  What made him turn to the dark side?"
"I don't know.  But it must have been something bad."
The two sat in silence, contemplating what may as well be the end of the world.

Greatest of Evils, Episode 1-1: Opening Gambit

(I feel like there should be some sort of opening montage at this point, showing each of the PCs in some sort of dramatic pose, or engaged in their trademark activity. But I don't feel like it.  Nor will I inflict on you lame opening credit music, or even a douchebag putting on his sunglasses.)



This past Saturday, I finally got the group together for something an introductory session.  As registered members of the Clifftop Guild, they each received an invitation through the guild to a meeting with a prospective employer, said meeting to take place at a posh little place called Moraggan's, a high-class tavern that caters to movers and shakers in the dwarven Highhold district.  Upon arriving, they are escorted into a private room, where they meet Anton d'Kundarak, a young dwarf just starting his career in his family's security business.  The PCs are informed by Anton that their services are desired to investigate a recent theft from the long-term storage Vaults maintained by House Kundarak under the Kundarak Bank of Sharn in Kundarak Tower.  Anton stresses to the party the need for discretion in this case, and presents them with passes that will give them access to the Vaults without tripping all the security alarms.  The payment seems rather large, and Anton explains that this is both to encourage their ongoing discretion and as compensation due to any unforeseen danger they might encounter.  He also makes it clear that it is understood that actually retrieving the stolen item might prove to be impossible for them, but that if they do manage it, there will be a substantial bonus.  He refuses to answer any questions about the owner of the item or about the nature of the item itself.  After getting their signatures on the contracts, Anton departs, wishing them the best of luck.  The party then breaks up to take care of last minute business, agreeing to meet at the bank within the hour.


Bombard arrives at the bank first, accompanied by Lisa.  In order to speed things along, they immediately head below to get the preliminary magical inspection of the crime scene out of the way.  The guard assigned to them, Lukas, shows them the vault in question, pointing out the large scorch marks on the stone of the corridor, where the first-responder team was fireballed by the intruders.  Bombard and Lisa begin their investigation, looking for signs of magical assistance in the intrusion, but quickly determining, through tool marks on the internal mechanisms of the lock, that whoever bypassed the locks and alarms most likely used no magic at all, but was simply insanely good at their job.  By this time, they are joined by Thal, Leland, and a newcomer, an elf who introduces herself as Greyfox and claims to have been sent by Ilyria.  Obviously knowledgeable in the arts of breaking and entering, Greyfox assists the party in determining that the group who pulled off the heist knew exactly what they were after, and were highly skilled.  There are traces of blood near the door, and they determine, from the wooden cradle inside the vault, that the object they are looking for is a metal cask or barrel.  They also learn that the guards managed to engage the thieves as they made their escape in a small sky-car, and are described to the party as a male halfling, a slender woman or elf, a male dwarf, and a small figure in a hooded robe they were unable to identify, but who was definitely a wizard or sorcerer.  Upon examining the balcony and outer door the thieves used to access the tower, they find evident of a fight, along with a bloody crossbow bolt of a type used by the guard and a small green scale that Bombard identifies as most likely coming from a kobold.  The outer door also shows signs that it was opened by a master lockpick, who also managed to disable to magical alarms and traps that protected it.
What follows is several hours of bribes, questions, and scattered threats, as the party tries to determine the eventual fate of the getaway sky-car.  Eventually, they wind up in a disreputable part of Lower Central, where they find the wreckage of the sky-car, along with a number of clues.  From their examination of the scene, the sky-car was apparently damaged in the crash, and at least one of them was badly wounded, due to a large blood stain on the floor of the car.  A trail of blood, obviously droplets, leads away from the wreckage for a few feet, and then disappears.  Asking around the neighborhood, they manage to find one person who will admit to seeing anything, and she tells them only that she saw a sky-cab flying away a little while after the wreck.
Guessing that the thieves may have hired another care to get where they needed to go, they liberally spread some money around the gypsy sky-cab drivers who work the area.  After a number of completely pointless cab rides, they learn of Wild Wili, who had told a couple of his buddies about a crazy fare he had picked up, which included a dead halfling.  Tracking down Wild Wili, they convince him to tell them his story: " So, I was workin' Olladra's Kitchen, hoping to pick up an easy fare, when this jerk dwarf hops in and tells me to drive over to the ass-end of Myshan Gardens.  I figure a fare's a fare, and haul ass over there.  He directs me down to the poorer end of the street, and there's this wrecked sky-car with a bunch of whackadoos standin' around it.  The dwarf, he tells me to stop and hops out to help his buddies lift this big iron barrel into my cab.  I'm startin' to wonder how bad this job is going to fuck up the paint, when I see one of 'em, this crazy lookin' elf chick, dressed all in black, picks somethin' out of the wreck and puts it on the seat where she sits down.  I look back and fuck me if it's not a dead fuckin' halfling.  Don't even ask what it took to get the stain out.  What did they look like?  Well the jerk dwarf was pretty normal, I guess.  Yer average jerk dwarf.  Then you got the crazy elf chick.  She was creepy as fuck, all in black, didn't blink enough, either.  Then, there was this fuckin' kobold wearin' what looked like a sparkly bathrobe.  Whatevah.  Anyway, the jerk dwarf hands me a gold sovereign and tells me if I can get them over to Cliffside in ten minutes, there's another one in it for me.  So I figure, fuck it.  I shag ass out of there, with these loonytoons fares in the back seat, and head for Cliffside.  We're almost over the gap to Dura when there's this fuckin' bump and my cab starts leanin' hard to the left.  I'm tryin' to keep it steady, swearin' I'm gonna kill my mechanic when I see 'im next, and the crazies in the back start cursin' when it all goes ta shit.  That fuckin' barrel slides right out the side, with the jerk dwarf hangin' onta it.  The dead halfling follows suit a second later, and then shit gets weird.  The creepy elf chick, she just steps right out the side, and stands on the air, like it ain't nothin', and the fuckin' kobold just vanishes.  At this point, I'm thinkin', fuck the bonus, I'm outta here.  I fly straight through Dura, and a couple minutes later, the cab's okay.  I take it to the magewright, he can't figure out what went wrong, and I figure I'm okay with that.  I don't really WANT to know.  What happened to them?  Fuck if I know.  You think I was stupid enough to go back and check?"
After paying Wili to drop them off where he lost them, the party pokes around a bit and finds the divot in the street where the iron cask hit the ground, along with at huge splash of blood, which they can only assume came from the dead halfling.  They find a trail of blood leading away, starting off as a constant drip, but becoming both more compact along the length of the trail and more diffuse across it.  Looking at it, Thal remembers seeing, during the war, a wounded riding wyvern leaving a similar blood pattern while gaining altitude.  As they look around for clues, Greyfox sees a face in a third-floor window quickly duck out of sight, and sprints for the tower entrance, hoping to find a witness.  She's followed closely by Leland, as the rest of the group watches the nearby entrances to prevent an escape.
Greyfox and Leland find a squatter cowering in an abandoned apartment, desperately trying to hide from them.  He cries out when he sees them enter the room, but some fast talking on Greyfox's part calms him down enough to get the story out of him: "I heard shouting outside, an' I looked out the window to see the woman in black, a dwarf, an' a small man in a hooded robe.  The woman in black was carrying a big iron chest or something, with a dead halfling perched on top of it.  The dwarf walked down that alleyway across the street into the darkness, an' a man walked out, dressed all in fine clothing.  Then they all walked down the street for a ways, until I noticed the woman moving funny.  Her friends were walking on the ground, but it was like she was climbing invisible stairs.  The man pulled a sword made of light out of nowhere an' slashed her with it something awful, an' she ran up into the air.  Then he threw that shining sword at her, an' when it hit her, it vanished, an' he had it back in his hand.  And then the halfling, it stood up on the chest and, and, it looked like it hugged her an' it cried out, "Thank you, mommy" and then it and the big iron chest disappeared.  She an' all the rest just stared for a moment, an' then she vanished, an' the little man in the robe vanished, and the man with the shining sword just walked away down the alley.  That's all I saw, I swear!"
In return for this fantastic tale (which as far as Greyfox could tell the man completely believed), Greyfox gave him some gold for his trouble, and led Leland back down to the street.
Having been stymied in their investigation, the party split up: Greyfox and Leland to go nose around the seamier side of the city, to try to find out who among the city's thieves might have been talented to be involved in this; and Bombard, Thal and Lisa to Morgrave University, to investigate what was involved with teleportation magic and look into the matter of shining swords.  Later that night, the group reconvened at Bombard's shop to swap information and mull over what they had found out.  The teleporting question was a dead-end.  While it was a difficult effect to pull off, House Orien was well-known to provide it as a service, and among those spellcasters who could pull it off, it was fairly common.  Not to mention any devices that might be able to duplicate the trick.  Shining swords turned out to be an interesting, but seemingly useless, topic, as the accounts of shining swords or swords made of light turned up numerous references to a wide variety of magical blades through the centuries.  However, there was also an apocryphal account of a race of humans in far-off Sarlona who referred to themselves as kalashtars.  They are apparently native to the nation of Adar, which is at war with the neighboring Reidran Empire.  The stories in question recount some of these "kalashtar" having the ability to manifest blades crafted from their own spiritual strength.  Given, however, that Sarlona, Reidra and Adar are all a long way away, and that little is known of any of them, it seemed to be a fruitless, though fascinating, line of inquiry.  The identity of the thieves was slightly more promising.  By asking around about the best lockpicks, Greyfox and Leland had found out about the death of one Bennie Pickfinger, a very talented halfling who had been found dead a week ago.  A couple of days ago, his body had been dumped into the nearest gorge leading to the lava pools, after the "traditional" five-day halfling wake.  The description of the halfling in the heist matched Bennie to a tee, leaving the party to wonder how a halfling lockpicker could be assisting in a heist, when his mangled corpse was in the process of being thoroughly waked by his buddies.  Also, by all accounts, Bennie had little talent for magic, and took a lot of pride in not using any magic aid in his exploits.  By asking around at the House Thuranni compound, Greyfox also managed to match the male human's description to a high-ranking diplomat at the Reidran Embassy.
Upon combining their information, the party came to the conclusion that however the thieves managed to pull off the heist, the party wasn't likely to find out much more.  Without knowing what was in the cask, who the cask belonged to, or the identities of either the elf or the kobold, they knew they were unlikely to make any more progress.  Given that, they compiled their report and expense account and sent it off to Anton via secure House Sivis courier.  Frustrated, they returned to their daily affairs, eager to find a challenge they could settle conclusively.

Unbeknownst to some of the players, the events of this game were basically the aftermath of another game I ran in honor of my friend Lucas, who was visiting from San Diego for the weekend.  I ran the heist with that group, which included Debbie and Shawn, and started off the regular party as the investigators.  I have to applaud Debbie and Shawn for their resoluteness in refusing to metagame, though Shawn (understandably) could not resist making a couple of comments about the kobold.  However, even they are in the dark concerning the true identity of the devious halfling and the mysterious contents of the iron cask.  Kudos to all my players for a slightly bumpy, but ultimately enjoyable, first game session, and I promise, there shall be much hackings to come.

Greatest of Evils, Episode 0: Dramatis Personae

This past Saturday, I gathered together my four latest victims, I mean players, at my apartment to begin a grand new adventure in the world of Eberron, using the old 3.5 D&D rules system.  It was a relatively short session, as a couple of the players needed to finish properly equipping their characters and I took the time to help all the players develop some background ties to each other, to encourage teamwork and respect for each others' abilities.  I've also had the characters start at 3rd level to both reflect prior experience in the war or other events and because I don't want them to die too quickly.  Here is a quick sketch of my players and the characters they are inflicting on me:

First is Jay, mainly because his character is the most amusing.  Jay is portraying Bombard, a Warforged Artificer manufactured in the last few years of the Last War.  Originally trained as a battlefield medic for whatever warforged unit he would be assigned to, he was purchased by the Cyran military and sent to a provisional unit assigned to test experimental magical/alchemical field artillery.  He was quickly snapped up by the Major commanding the unit, a human artificer by the name of Thaddeus Viron.  A notable eccentric, Major Viron had been assigned to this unit in an attempt to both make use of his undeniable talents, as well as keep him out of the hair of anyone important.  One of Major Viron's conceits was that his delusion that Officers were Gentlemen, and his persistent attempts for enforce this view on everyone around him.  Hence, upon grabbing Medic 1-Alpha for his adjutant, Viron proceeded to instill in him all the qualities of a Gentleman, the first being an appropriately Gentlemanly name.  In keeping with recent fashion, but with a strangely adroit precision, he dubbed his new adjutant Bombard, and proceeded to regale Bombard with tales and reminiscences precisely calculated to change Bombard from an automaton into a proper officer and gentleman.  He both failed and succeeded.  While he successfully ingrained in Bombard that an officer must be a gentleman, and instilled in him all the little bits and pieces of behavior that a gentleman engages in, he failed to make Bombard understand the pseudo-logical process that connects all those behaviors to gentlemanly conduct.  Therefore, Lieutenant Bombard smokes a pipe, belongs to a gentleman's club, engages the company of an escort for evenings at his dining club, and maintains proper dress, not because he enjoys such things, but because these are the things gentlemen do, and because he does these things, he is a gentleman.  Bombard's unit survived the Day of Mourning due to being posted on the Karnnathi border.  After the war, despite Bombard's desire to stay with Viron, Viron gently nudged the young warforged out into the world.  Bombard drifted for a time, but eventually washed up in Sharn, as so many adventurers do.  He's opened an armorer's shop in the Clifftop Quarter, signed on with the local adventurer's guild, and has spent his days training his apprentice, Percy, taking his meals at expensive restaurants, and working on his academic credentials at Morgrave University.  One of his recent treatises on planar mechanics attracted the odd attention of a small publisher of speculative fiction, and though Bombard's later attempts at fiction were substandard, they've spawned a slew of imitators, telling stories of adventurers sailing to other planes on elemental airships of strange design. (If you can't tell, Jay was one of the first to finish his character, and was the one I did the most character development with.  Couldn't be helped; Bombard just struck me as one of the most entertaining concepts I've come across in a long time.)


Shawn will be portraying Leland Underwood, Cliffwalk Shifter Scout.  A veteran of the Last War (like so many adventurers), Leland grew up near the Eldeen Reaches, but not quite close enough to be included in that new nation when they seceded from Aundair.  He put his talents to use for the good of his nation, however, and spent several years in the Aundairan army before the war ended.  He spent a good amount of that time assigned as a scouting element to groups of mercenaries hired through House Deneith.  Surprisingly enough, he wound up becoming friendly with a group of hobgoblin mercenaries out of the rogue nation of Darguun, and after the Treaty of Thronehold, traveled back to Darguun with them.  He found the goblinoid nation not quite to his taste, however, and if not for his friends, would have probably wound up enslaved.  However, he did meet one person he rather liked: Ilyria d'Thuranni, a young scion of House Thuranni.  The two became fast friends and traveled together to Sharn; Ilyria because of her House duties, and Leland because he didn't really have anything better to do.  Since arriving in Sharn, Leland has spent his time playing bodyguard for Ilyria, taking short-term contracts with House Deneith, and assisting Ilyria in her own, shadowy assignments.  Through his work for House Deneith, he's met another veteran of the war, an elf named Thal, and found that they work well together.

Zach is playing Thal (a diminutive, damn elf names being what they are), an Elven Fighter.  Thal is also a veteran of the Last War, serving with the Cyran army as part of their heavy cavalry.  His last assignment was as part of the security force for an experimental artillery unit on the Karnnathi border, which is the only reason he survived the death of his nation.  After the war, he wandered Breland for a while, even staying in New Cyre for a few months, before deciding that he wasn't ready to settle down, even though he was approaching middle age.  He traveled to Sharn with his old friend, Bombard, who had been sent out to gain experience in the world by his mentor.  He contributed some of his savings to help Bombard open his armor shop, and has supplemented his income by taking short-term contracts with House Deneith.  He's worked a number of contracts with a shifter by the name of Leland, and has found him to be a competent fellow.

Debbie is playing Ilyria d'Thuranni, an Elven Swashbuckler/Rogue and scion of House Thuranni.  The only non-veteran in the group, Ilyria has spent the past decade or more undertaking missions for her family, opening contacts with wealthy patrons and building alternate identities for her soon-to-be illustrious career.  Having already undertaken missions to such disreputable places as Darguun and the Lhazaar Principalities, Ilyria arrived in Sharn about a year ago, and quickly built a reputation that would do her family proud.  As an up-and-comer among the city's high class courtesans, she's made many contacts in the upper classes.  Her more shadowy activities have benefited from the assistance of Leland, the shifter she struck up a friendship with in Darguun.  On a number of occasions, the shifter's dab hand with the longbow is the only thing that kept her from getting caught in her snooping.  Out of all of this, however, the most interesting thing she's discovered in Sharn is Bombard, who is likely the only warforged ever to engage the services of an...escort.  His existence was reported to her by the group of escorts her family has given into her charge, and the entire group tends to pass assignments to him around for anyone who needs a break.  After all, all he does is take you out to dinner and a show.  It's almost a vacation. 
Ilyria does have one problem, however.  She remembers quite clearly the schism between her house and House Phiarlan, and she still carries a grudge against that House that dwarfs that of her older relatives.  She believes that her family was set up, most likely through the plotting of the other families of the House, and burns for justice.  Though considered a valuable member of the family, Ilyria is closely watched, and her elders hope she manages to control her temper if she ever ends up in close proximity to her foes.

Finally, to make up for the absence of proper arcane fire support, I will be portraying Lisa of Kubia, Human Sorcerer, a young Brelish woman who's idyllic village life ended 11 years ago when her family was herded out of western Breland as refugees due to an uptick in monster attacks that led to the birth of the nation of Droaam.  Her father had died in a monster attack prior to their flight, and her mother died on the long trip to safety.  Lisa survived, and is determined to prove that even if it no longer exists, the small village of Kubia still has a mark to make on the world.  Having finally made her way to Sharn, Lisa has become a frequent visitor to Bombard's shop, more out of fascination with the gentleman warforged than due to any interest in armor she can't wear.  She's also been an occasional guest of Bombard's during his outings, as that's probably the only way she'll ever see how the upper crust live.  Despite her youth, she is determined to be a useful part of this nascent adventuring party.

Per your requests...

So, a number of friends, both the players I afflict (and who occasionally afflict me back) and those of you upon whom I have inflicted accounts of the misery that are flung back and forth across my gaming table, have requested that I begin to blog about these experiences, in order to distribute the weight of my atrocities across the internet.  For this first entry, as it is stupid late and I have no desire to stay up any longer than I have to, I include two brief stories concerning an OWoD Mage game I just wrapped up.  The names of the players will not be disclosed, in order to protect what fragile shreds of their reputations they may retain.

"I just finished my 6 month OWOD Mage chronicle this week. In the course of the story, two of the PCs (a male Ecstatic Cultist and a female Hermetic of House Flambeau) fell in love and decided to get married. After copious wedding preparat...ions that were consistently interrupted by the Ecstatic's psychotic ex-girlfriend (a fellow Ecstatic and terrorist), they ended up eloping to Vegas, where the other PCs and a selection of NPCs decided to throw them bachelor and bachelorette parties. The Ecstatic's bachelor party, which started off with lots of naked people, booze, and two dwarfs in lederhosen climbing a replica Matterhorn sculpted entirely out of cocaine, inspired the Ecstatic to cast his Zeitgeist rote, to call upon the spirit of Bat Country (the rote evokes the spirit of a time and place, such as 1920s Paris, WWII America, or 1980s Britain if you have a yearning for punk). As a side effect, this effect also called up the spirit of Hunter S. Thompson. The Ecstatic then proceeded to embark on an epic bender, in the company of Thompson, the PC Mokole, Mike Tyson, and a shady character by the name of Tuco Jimenez, a full-time Mexican gangster and part-time Aztec priest. Highlights of the night (which is all the two PCs can remember) include a raid on a private zoo to free the animals, epic quantities of tequila, coke, and jaguar blood, an 18 inch tall Mike Tyson in a prize fight against a vicious fighting rooster (Mike knocked the shit out of the chicken, but was left confused because he couldn't find its ear), and aimlessly wandering around the backside of Vegas, looking for more coke, tequila, and jaguar blood. The next morning, our heroes found themselves passed out on the side of the freeway outside Vegas, the Ecstatic dressed in a full tuxedo sans trousers with Thompson's infamous revolver tucked into his boxers, and the Mokole in gator form, too stoned to revert to homid."

 

"One of my mage players has reminded me of another amusing moment earlier in the chronicle. Upon reawakening her childhood memories, the Flambeau Hermetic convinces her Ecstatic boyfriend to help her travel back in time and pull a Heinlein ...on her Verbena mother before her Progenitor father kills her. They are accompanied by the Hermetic's Fianna Galliard brother and the aforementioned Mokole. Through the course of this little escapade, Mom is saved, and the Mokole volunteers to stay with her and keep her safe through the next 18 years. The Hermetic, the Ecstatic and the Fianna get back to the Chantry of the past, break in, and reach the Ecstatic Sanctum (because paradox is a bitch). At this most inopportune moment, the Ecstatic realizes that his supply of designer drugs has run dry. He turns to the Hermetic and says, "Abby, take off your clothes, we need to have sex, RIGHT NOW." Abby responds with, "I am not having sex with you in front of my brother," quickly followed by the Fianna saying, "You are not fucking my sister right in front of me." At this, the Ecstatic sighs, whips off his belt, loops it around his neck with the dangling end hanging down his back, drops trou, grabs the loop behind him with his left hand, sticks his left thumb up his ass, and proceeds to beat off with his right hand as he casts the rote. With all of this, I could not resist the words I uttered next: "With a splash of cum, you are all blasted into the future."

With that delightful kickoff, I leave you with a programming note.  I will begin by chronicling two separate campaigns: The Greatest of Evils, a pseudo-Victorian tale of adventure and intrigue in the 3.5 Eberron setting, and Gods Like Men, set in White Wolf's Scion.  The first post regarding The Greatest of Evils should be up by the end of the weekend, detailing the dramatis personae and the plot of the first game.